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OWN YOUR BRAND SHOW with Victoria Odekomaya
Welcome to the OWN YOUR BRAND SHOW where you'll learn how to own and grow your brand and market your business. Every week I interview entrepreneurs and/or share branding, marketing and business tips to grow your influence, build a profitable business and make an impact.
Victoria Odekomaya is an award winning photographer, brand & marketing strategist with over a decade of experience. She is passionate about helping women fulfill their dreams and purpose effortlessly.
Click to be featured, advertise on the show or connect with Victoria: https://mtr.bio/limstudios
OWN YOUR BRAND SHOW with Victoria Odekomaya
Healing Through Self-Love: Sam Tishner on Overcoming Divorce and Building Healthier Relationships | Ep 44
What if the secret to living a truly fulfilling life starts with self-love and healing? In this episode, we dive into that transformative journey with Sam Tishner, a relationship coach and author of Heal First, Love Second. Sam opens up about her own story, sharing how she overcame two divorces and realized that the key to breaking recurring relationship patterns is self-awareness and accountability. We talk about the power of forgiving past hurts, letting go of emotional baggage, and how doing the inner work is crucial for building healthier relationships—both personally and professionally.
Going through life changes like divorce can be tough, but Sam reminds us that it doesn't have to be a lonely road. She talks about the importance of self-reflection, reaching out for support, and the role coaches and communities play in the healing process. Sam also introduces the Heal First Community, where on-demand coaching, courses, and tools help people rebuild their trust, confidence, and tackle those nagging financial worries. We chat about the grieving process, learning from our emotions, and why it's so important to allow ourselves to feel.
Throughout the episode, Sam shares practical tips like gratitude journaling and silencing negative self-talk to cultivate positivity. Forgiveness is a big theme—whether it’s forgiving yourself, others in personal relationships, or even colleagues at work. With guidance from coaches or therapists, listeners are encouraged to start their own journey of healing. This conversation is all about embracing the growth that comes from healing, leading to exciting experiences and a truly fulfilled life.
//ABOUT
Victoria Odekomaya is a Nigerian American and former drug research scientist turned brand and marketing expert. Through her Creative Agency, LiMStudios, she specializes in brand photography, video creation, and strategic marketing. Victoria's mission is to empower female entrepreneurs to be SEEN, KNOWN, and HEARD, enhancing their visual presence and attracting their ideal customers to build a BANKABLE PERSONAL BRAND. Victoria's scientific background has honed her analytical thinking, attention to detail, and problem-solving skills, which she integrates into her branding strategies. Her 23-year journey to U.S. citizenship reflects the perseverance female entrepreneurs need to overcome challenges in branding and marketing. This fuels her dedication to empower women to achieve their entrepreneurial dreams.
In 2022, Victoria launched the BOSS LADIES CAMPAIGN, giving participants a celebrity photoshoot experience to enhance their confidence and brand visibility. The campaign promotes these women through features in BOSS LADIES magazine, appearances on Victoria's 'OWN YOUR BRAND SHOW', and recognition at the BOSS LADIES GALA. The gala not only celebrates women but also raises funds for local non-profits, so far raising $19,000+ for Dove Recovery House for Women and PINK RIBBON CONNECTION.
For sponsorship/business inquiries, visit https://mtr.bio/limstudios or email hello@thelimstudios.com.
The red flags were there to tell me Sam, have you really processed through it all? Have you worked through everything you need to? Is this truly what you want? And up until that point in time in my life, I don't think I ever really could have said who I was without doing a job title or saying I'm mom or you know what I am to other people. But to say who I am and to be able to define what I want.
Speaker 2:If you don't forgive you know the hurts of maybe your relationships in the past you almost cannot move forward because it's like, like you said earlier, the baggage right. And so now we're being mindful, we're stopping the negative thoughts, we're seeing the good in ourselves, but then we also need to forgive those that have hurt us in the past.
Speaker 1:Everybody has heard about carrying their baggage. Baggage is the limiting beliefs that we have established in our lives over the years. Baggage is the old stories that somebody has said about us or to us that for some reason we've held on to.
Speaker 2:Welcome to another episode of the Own your Brand Show. Today, we're going to be talking about self-love and building confidence, and my guest today is Sam Tishner. One of the things that she says that resonates with me so much is if you do not love and appreciate yourself, you are going to attract those who do not love and appreciate you and, consequently, that's going to spill into your business life. And so, without much ado, I am going to be having this conversation with Sam, and she's going to be helping us discover, you know, how to love ourselves, how to build confidence, so that we can enhance our personal life as well as build a profitable business. So let's get into this conversation. How are you doing today, my friend? I am doing well.
Speaker 1:I'm doing well. Very excited to be here today.
Speaker 2:You know what I have to say? That every time I see you, I just love your smile, but I also love your hair.
Speaker 1:Thank you so beautiful.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, it was so much fun to photograph and I just, oh, anyway, that was such a fun day. Well, thank you, thank you A little plug here.
Speaker 1:If you need photos, you got to go to this gal. She's wonderful to work with.
Speaker 2:Well, thank you, thank you so much. I just want us to go into this conversation because, you know, if we don't love ourselves, if we're not doing good personally, that definitely spills into our businesses and, as entrepreneurs, we do not want that. Yes, we also do not want our phones to be ringing while we're doing it, and I have put mine on silent, it's just on silent.
Speaker 2:Good, thank you, you're better Anyway. So, um, tell us a little bit about why you get got into this and I didn't mention that, but you are a relationship coach and also the author of Heal First, love Second. So tell me why did you even write this book and how you got into your coaching business.
Speaker 1:Okay. So yes, for many years I worked in the corporate world and have, you know, always worked for somebody else. Um, I was going through my second divorce and that was when I had the big ahas in my life to realize that, even though I could say things about my ex-husbands, I was the common denominator. So at that point in time, it was what do I need to change to make sure I don't keep this same pattern going?
Speaker 2:I love that because a lot of times when we're going through situations, we're always pointing the fingers at others. Yes, but you're so wise that you're like look, let me see what I can do differently.
Speaker 1:Well, for the majority of my life I was the victim and I was always pointing fingers at others. But it was during that second divorce that I realized okay, sam, come on, there's something here. You need to take control of this. And so I started searching and just looking for different things. You know how to be happy, how to have a successful relationship. You know all these different things. My biggest growth came when I hired my first coach, which prior to that, I really hadn't even heard of coaches before. So I hired my first coach and she really helped me to get to know me and to see me and to where I can, got to the point to I love me. And so it was during that time, you know, god tugged at my heart and said okay, sam, you need to help other women. You need to use what you've learned to help other women. You need to use what you've learned to help other women. So that's when I started my training for coaching and started pursuing this path. That's good.
Speaker 2:That's good. So tell us a little bit about how. Um. So you know, juggling entrepreneurship and personal life can be very difficult. You know, and you have a wealth of experience in that. You know you've done the personal thing twice at least in your relationship, right? But what are some of this common? You know situations that we often find ourselves that makes us not love ourselves enough, right?
Speaker 1:Well, a lot of things can happen as you're growing up in different relationships. You know, we've heard everybody has heard about carrying their baggage. So baggage is the limiting beliefs that we have established in our lives over the years. Baggage is the old stories that somebody has said about us or to us that for some reason we've held on to. The baggage are just the different experiences that we have gone through but haven't healed from.
Speaker 1:So the big thing with our lives is we need to make sure that we feel the feelings, we process the emotions, we are aware of our part in every situation, so that we can kind of clear that part of the slate. Kind of clear that part of the slate. It's always a part of our story, no matter what it is, no matter how good, bad or ugly it is. Everything stays a part of our story, but it's how we process it and handle it so that we can move forward. So clearing those slates within ourselves, with our relationships, helps us to be more confident and, you know, able to be able to process and work through and learn the new things that we need to for our businesses or our life in general.
Speaker 2:So you're saying that processing that would help us build that self-confidence? Yes, wow.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's very important to process through as much of that stuff. Something I have learned along the way is, if you keep having the same thing come up in your life whether it is, um, an argument with a friend or family member, or something that you keep running into with a boss or maybe a client if something keeps coming up for you over and over again and it's something that really weighs on you, that's a lesson you need to process. That's something you need to really dive into to say, okay, why does this keep coming up for me? Where did I get this belief about whatever this situation is? And to be able to really work through it so you can let go of that, so that lesson doesn't keep popping up for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I like that Because you know and I know you're a Christian too, so I know there's this phrase that sometimes when we God keeps bringing certain things over and over to happen to us until we learn the lesson, yes, yes, he's very big.
Speaker 1:He wants us to grow and be the best that we can be, be that perfect child that he created us to be, and so, yes, there are some times that we keep getting these lessons and he's like okay, sam, now's the time, right. Deal with it, figure it out, come on, let's go, let's go.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's so good, that's so good. And so in your book, yeah, you know you talk a little bit about, you know, some of these. You share some of the experiences that you specifically went through.
Speaker 1:Can you tell us a little bit about that and what you unlocked with that experience? That experience was being able to really focus on it, to unlock it and to process the emotions of it, to process the experiences that I have been through through being able to go through and really focus and do the healing from that. It's amazing the opportunities that it opened up. It has truly changed the trajectory of my life. Focusing on getting to know me and loving me, creating a healthy, loving relationship with myself, has changed all my relationships overall. It's easier for me to set boundaries. It's easy, easier for me to be open and to focus on what those lessons are that keep coming up and to be able to kind of dissect them so that I can learn what I need to learn.
Speaker 2:And I'm thinking it's the reason why you also called it heal first, love second.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, you need to heal once you can go through, and I would like to say that, yes, I have the perfect solution. It's going to take six weeks and you're done. No, no, still working on it today. You know it has taken me 53 years to get to where I am today. That's a lot of unraveling to do and there's, just as we go through life, it's, a lot of lessons and growth and it's for us to see those opportunities and to see you know how it affects each of us so that we can grow.
Speaker 2:So the first thing is to reflect and process it, process all of that. What else do we need to? I know that you know you've put a lot into the book, but for someone that hasn't picked up the book yet, what would be the next practical step in this journey of the healing?
Speaker 1:What you. I would encourage everybody to find that person that can help them through whether it is a therapist, a coach, just a good friend, somebody to help you process through the different things. So, as things come up for you hey, I am really struggling, I feel really stuck in this space To be able to find whatever that is and some of it may be you can find the right author that shares the information to help you process through. It might be podcasts, I mean, there are so many different options out there. So finding what works best for you. For me, I hired a coach and she really helped me to find the clarity. The beautiful thing about being a coach is I do not have the answers for you, but I have the questions that can help you find those answers within yourself, because you inside yourself know everything and you inside yourself can heal any wound. You have the power to do that. So my job is to help you connect into that power so that you can process through. So it's finding the right path for you to be able to process.
Speaker 1:One of the things I have recently launched a community. It's called Heal First Community, and one of the biggest part of this community are the on-demand coaching courses. I love that. So when I work with my clients, we do a lot of worksheets and, um, you know whether it's meditation and journaling or or different things like that. I've taken those worksheets and developed small courses around them to where those who are part of the community can get in there do the worksheets. So if you feel stuck in a certain area, you know there might be a worksheet in there that becomes your favorite. That's like, okay, this is my go-to when I'm stuck, I can do this one and I know it's going to help me through.
Speaker 1:So, it's just finding those things that really help you to move forward, and everybody's different. So finding what truly connects with you to move forward, and everybody's different.
Speaker 2:Right. So finding what truly connects with you, that's good. So what is some of the you know common challenges that uh, someone that's gone through divorce face.
Speaker 1:Uh, oh, my goodness, A little bit of everything. You, you start questioning trusting yourself, you question your confidence. You start worrying about, um, what have I done wrong? What? What do I need to fix? What are? You know, um, the different areas at your, your self-confidence, your, everything, just it tanks. And even on the days where you feel strong, like I've got this, you, you have the different red flags of you're starting over again. You have to figure out, you know, how your finances are going to be, how you're going to juggle If you have kids or or people that you're taking care of is, how do you juggle your schedule? How do you juggle your life? And then, how on earth do you start dating again? Oh, and trying to open yourself to relationships, or open yourself to even trust somebody. You know it is, um, it's difficult and it's, it's similar to, you know, any stage in our life where we're feeling like we're starting over, whether that's with a job or, um, with any type of relationship. You know divorce, it's that starting over process, Wow.
Speaker 2:That is tough. As you were talking, I was thinking about, um, this movie that I just watched. I think it's a Tyler Perry movie. Thinking about this movie that I just watched I think it's a Tyler Perry movie Divorce in the Black, I think is what it's called, and you know, it is just a. You know, one of the scenes that came up to for me was this lady talking about divorcing her husband and she was worried about starting over at the age of 40. Yes, and she was like you know, nobody wants this old blank. You know, and and it's real, you know cause you get to a point in your life where you're not supposed, you don't feel like you're supposed to be starting over in a certain area of your life, and then now you're here, you're like clueless, everything seems to be crashing down and you're like I can see how it, like it just tanks your self-confidence crashing down and you're like I can see how it just tanks your self-confidence.
Speaker 1:It does.
Speaker 1:And going through a divorce, it starts a grieving process because you have plans. You have plans that we're going to do this and we're going to do that and this is what life is going to look like, and I'm not alone. I have this companion to walk with me. And then, when you're starting over the loss of all of that, it's a grieving process and that is you have to go through all those emotions and to truly be able to allow yourself to go through that so that you can learn what you need to learn from it to be able to, you know, make things better, what you need to learn from it to be able to, you know, make things better. But after my second divorce, it it was a while before. It took me a while before I could actually feel like I had permission to be able to have a good, healthy relationship. Oh, wow, you know permission.
Speaker 1:You know what will people think of me if I'm married a third time, which I am married? My husband and I've been married for about a year and a half now. Um, but'm married a third time, which I am married. My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half now, but married for a third time. What are people going to think of me? You know, how would anybody trust me? You know I have two failed marriages. It's going through. I mean, there's so many different processes to go through and that affects every part of your life processes to go through, and that affects every part of your life. It affects your work life, it affects your home life. You know, something like divorce truly affects every area.
Speaker 2:Right, wow, that's deep and I'm trying to connect that. So we've talked a little bit about self-confidence. You know how it tanks, but the healing has to begin to start to love yourself and get to know yourself so that you can be I don't know if I want to say a full individual, like be full, your cup, be full so that you can give more.
Speaker 1:Talk to me a little bit about that so that you can give more Talk to me a little bit about that. Well, one of the important things is to be able to be content with yourself, to be able to love who you are and not feel that you need to rush out and do such and such or rush out and get into a relationship. It is finding that peace and confidence with who you are and working through the fact of being able to trust yourself again, working through the fact of understanding why you chose that person. You know, when I in both of my marriages there were red flags before I got married, but it's like, nope, I'm doing this for da, da, da, da, da.
Speaker 1:And when it was my second marriage, it's like it's just because it's my second marriage and that's why I'm feeling this way, but things are going to be better. The red flags were there to tell me Sam, have you really processed through it all? Have you worked through everything you need to? Is this truly what you want? And up until that point in time in my life, I don't think I ever really could have said who I was without doing a job title or saying I'm mom or you know what I am to other people but to say who I am and to be able to define what I want.
Speaker 1:Through my healing process I did a Prince Charming list. So and it was just a list of what I truly would want in a partner for my life and it was an amazing process to go through but to really to define it with my business, to truly define my business and there are so many different times that we kind of jump into things without really taking the time to define it. So we know what we're looking for.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so as you were talking, I was thinking about how it's important to, like we said, heal first, you know. Get to know yourself too. Yes, so that way you can know what you want. Yes, I feel like as we grow older and we wear many hats and have a lot of job responsibilities, we tend to forget who we are and what makes us happy.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, and that is something that one of the first exercises my coach had me do was. It was an accomplishment exercise, which I use with my clients now, but it's to go through and write down the things that you're proud of, the things that you have done in your life not just you know in a short period, it can be your whole life and things that you've done where you've been excited hey, I've done this and then maybe somebody responded with like, and where you're like, oh well, maybe that wasn't all of that, any of those type of things. For example, I am this is the geek side of me coming out and I use this example a few times but when I learned how to do pivot tables in an Excel spreadsheet, oh my goodness, that just made me. I was so excited. When I shared with other people, they weren't as excited about it as what I was.
Speaker 2:Excel can be hard, so I give you your flowers for being able to do that, but you know, it's just the different things we've done in life.
Speaker 1:Look at those things that you should be proud of and then find somebody to celebrate those with. Um, when, when I did that exercise, I ended up celebrating with my two daughters at the time and it was really weird to have like a celebration and I be the focus of it because you know I'm a mom Everything was about your kids.
Speaker 1:It was about your husband, it's about your work, it's about and so it was very weird to try and focus on something for me, but it was a very powerful exercise and you know one of the steps that just helped me to realize who I am and you know the things that I do have to offer.
Speaker 2:That's good. So I know you have a lot of success stories from your clients. Yes, can you share if you, if we have, if you have permission or if you you know if you can share. Just share some things with us that you know, some success stories.
Speaker 1:Yes, well, I have. I have worked with many different women. Um, we have, I've worked with women who were focused on their career and they wanted to um, you know, climb in their career and you know, again, it's, you've got the answers within you. I can help you find those answers so that you can accomplish what you want to accomplish.
Speaker 1:Um, I've had women that have come to me and you know they're overwhelmed, they're stressed, they're, they feel so alone and empty and, you know, within a few sessions, they start to see their life different and things really start to open up to where they feel like okay, yeah, I can move forward, I can handle this. Now, you know, it may not always be easy, but I'm providing the tools that they can use to continue to move forward, because all of us are unique and beautiful in our own diversity, each and every one of us, somebody who may feel that they're, they have a cork or you know, I just don't fit in. That's not it at all. It's a matter of really knowing who you are and appreciating that part of you and then finding, you know, kind of your niche, of where you want to be and working with the women, and then finding those aha moments where it's like all of a sudden everything clicks, it's like it is so powerful.
Speaker 2:I was going to say the same thing, so powerful.
Speaker 1:I absolutely love it and I am so blessed to be able to be a part of any journey with any of the women that I work with.
Speaker 2:That is amazing. That's amazing. So what advice do you have for creating a healthy and loving relationship after experiencing divorce?
Speaker 1:It is finding your way to process, finding help and a path for you to be able to process, finding somebody that you can talk to, that can help you through After divorce for me, anytime I have gone through big struggles in my life of course that's the time when I turn to God. It's like, okay, god.
Speaker 1:I got myself into this mess. Help me figure it out. And showing yourself grace is probably one of the biggest things, because you will go through those times where you are struggling. You're going to go through those times where you feel so alone, where you feel empty. You have nothing else to give. And it's showing yourself grace to say no to some of the things you need to to allow that space for you to heal. And whether that space is exercising, because you know when you exercise it gives you clarity, it gives you strength. That is something that helps you to move forward.
Speaker 1:Showing yourself grace to make sure that you have the space to be able to do that. Maybe it is going to therapy or coaching, investing in yourself, whether it's your time or your money, investing in yourself to allow yourself that part to heal. I truly believe seeking some sort of help, whether it's therapy or coaching, is a very important piece of it. And finding the right person for you, because if you truly do not feel connected with that person, then you're not with the right person to help you through the process. So it is showing yourself grace. If you need time, take time. Mental health day, absolutely Love that.
Speaker 1:Take it if you need it. It's finding somebody to walk the path with you, right, whether that is therapy, coaching. I know there's churches that have programs called divorce care and they're a free program, which I did a few times and then I helped lead a few times at my church and that's something that truly helps. Finding the books, whatever it is, the important thing is sometimes when you go through divorce, it can be so bitter and it can be so heavy. Finding your way to process through that but then also to see the good and the beauty and change.
Speaker 1:If you can start focusing on the good and beauty in the change, then that helps you to process, to be able to get out of the darkness that comes along with it. So there's just so many there's oh my gosh, there's just so many things.
Speaker 2:I know, I know, and I'm just thinking about like, so it sounds like it's a tailored approach here, you know, and and I know you say you have some tools and resources in your you know, in your community to help.
Speaker 2:You know, worksheets, and but I was just thinking about the, you know, when you mentioned not looking at the, looking at it from a positive outlook. I'm thinking about, you know, usually divorces are very bitter, very hard to process and and you're saying, look at it, the positive things that has come out of it. Like that's a hard thing to you know to do, and I'm sure you have ways to help us look at it. And the reason why I want to hone in on this question is because maybe it's also applicable to other things in our lives too, you know. You know in our business, our regular relationships as well. But like what, what is the one way that we can make ourselves, no matter how hard it is, to see the positive, to actually, you know, like, okay, let me be, let me try to be objective here, yes, and try and think of some positive things that has come out of this, because that's hard.
Speaker 1:It is very difficult, and one of the greatest ways to start is by doing a gratitude journal and every day you write down three to five things that were positive in your day. Now, that may be. I got out of bed this morning. The sun was shining, I had a good cup of coffee, a stranger smiled at me, or a stranger opened a door for me and it made me feel good, or somebody gave me a compliment. It can be the smallest things. I didn't fight with my teenager today. Oh, that's a good thing. It can be. It can be that's a big thing.
Speaker 2:Sorry, that was a really big thing.
Speaker 1:But you know it can be small things that happen. But if you start doing that every day, then, it grows.
Speaker 1:What you're doing is you're training your mind to think about the positive things. I love that, To see the good, and as you start seeing more and more of the good, then that just opens your mind to see more positive in your day. And one of the other things and I think this is an important thing to listen to or to try to accomplish as well is we get that negative chatter in our mind. We do you know negative chatter for any different thing, whether you're not good at your job.
Speaker 2:It sounds like that's the default in our minds.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, it goes to that negative chatter and to me that's just the darkness in this world trying to hold you back, trying to keep you from healing. So you are not the light that you need to be in this world. So when that negative chatter hits, you need to stop and you take a deep breath and you let it out and you say I no longer want to talk to myself that way and then you say something positive about yourself. I love that and this is just bringing awareness to that negative chatter. That's happening. Sometimes it may be running for an hour and then all of a sudden you realize I've got to stop this. So just doing that small exercise, you're interrupting the pattern and then you're replacing it with something good. Yeah, and by doing that it brings more awareness to it. And if you continue to do that process, eventually you're going to have more times of the positive versus the negative chatter and when that negative chatter starts, you can stop it really quick chatter, and when that negative chatter starts you can stop it really quick.
Speaker 2:I love that. So you know, personally speaking, I have been trying to be more mindful about the thoughts that go on in my mind in more recent times, you know, because the moment I realized that the negative thoughts would not stop coming, I I feel like, okay, I have to do something about it to stop it. So let me add to what you just said here. It's like we have to be mindful of our surroundings, of our thoughts, and kind of take it into captive, like you just said, like you know, because if you're not even realizing that you think so many negative thoughts and they're, and like it's almost like you can't even stop it.
Speaker 1:Right and as well as. What are you feeding in your mind? I like that. You know, I, I loved watching, like the crime dramas and, and all of you know the CSIs and all of that.
Speaker 1:I loved watching those and I still do occasionally watch it. I loved watching those and I still do occasionally watch it. But you know, I would binge watch those shows. That that's just feeding your mind into a lot. There's a lot of negative on those shows. Even though it's kind of cool, you know there's still a lot of negative in that and that feeds into your mind. But by replacing some of that with, you know, positive things or something that's uplifting or you know, something that inspires you, making sure you take the time to do that in your day. And I'm not saying, don't you know? Don't you know to stop watching the shows you love, but I'm just saying, you know, start replacing some of it with something that inspires you, especially right before bed, always something that inspires you First thing in the morning, having something that inspires you, so that you're starting your day on that positive note.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I did each morning was in my journal, I would just write a thank you to God. So it was, you know. Thank you for this day. You know, thank you for the sunshine or the rain, thank you for my children, thank you for and sometimes it was the same stuff over and over again, but it was, it was still. I opened my day with being thankful for the bed I slept in. You know the cup of coffee I had. You know the just being thankful, the little things.
Speaker 1:Yes, and again it's finding those things to bring the positive and the good to mind and to really think about those, about those, and that helps your mindfulness to kind of throw up those red flags when you know the darkness starts to come in and it just gets ugly and crazy Right.
Speaker 2:So I want to connect that to the forgiveness too because, I feel like if you don't forgive you know the hurts of maybe your relationships in the past you almost cannot move forward, because it's like, like you said earlier, the baggage right, and so now we're being mindful, we're stopping the negative thoughts, we're seeing the good in ourselves, but then we also need to forgive. You know those that have hurt us in the past, right, so can you tell us a little bit? You know some ways that we can try to forgive?
Speaker 1:Forgiveness is a very big thing, so, and it is. Oh my gosh. There are so many layers to it, as well as forgiving ourselves too.
Speaker 2:Sorry, I just wanted to put that in there, oh absolutely Forgiving ourselves.
Speaker 1:But and even in the workplace, there are things that have happened, whether you've had a bad boss or a bad situation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know, in my era, when I was younger, there was a lot of sexual harassment and stuff in the workplace and nobody talked about it at all. Then those are all parts and pieces that you have to forgive. So in every area of our life, not just our marriage relationships, whether we're married now, whether we're divorced, you know, maybe it's things that our kids have said to us in their anger and rage. You know, just any of the ugliness. One of the things where I typically start is to write down the different things you want to be able to forgive. So, starting that list of I want to forgive, or even if you want to just say I need to forgive this, you know, so that I can let go of that. Sometimes it's very difficult because forgiving is not saying it was okay what you did to me, but forgiving is saying I no longer want to hold on to this, I no longer want to carry this, and sometimes it is just saying a prayer, saying God, help me to be able to forgive this.
Speaker 2:So, as you were talking about the forgiveness, I was thinking about sometimes how it's hard to even articulate what you want to be, what you want to forgive Right. Well, and something that Especially with the heart is so deep. Yes, like which do I? Where do I?
Speaker 1:even start from yes, well, and I have some memories from you know, my younger years, where I don't really remember everything.
Speaker 1:You know, I know enough to know that it wasn't good, but I don't. I don't really remember everything, you know. I know enough to know that it wasn't good, but I don't really remember it. So where I like to start? You know forgiveness, there are so many different layers of it Okay, and it is a lifelong journey. So in most cases you can start with finding a place that you can just take. I love the deep breathing because it just kind of clears your head and kind of resets your mind. So if you do three to five deep breaths, finding a quiet place, whatever that quiet place looks like for you, and then you know, with the intention that I want to write, you know three or four things I want to forgive, don't start with everything you know. Don't try and and build the top 50, you know, just start with. I want to to work on forgiveness for these things.
Speaker 1:And then, with forgiveness, it is why are you holding onto it? You know what piece of it do you need to forgive? How did it make you feel? And a lot of times it is that feeling that stops us from forgiving. It is that feeling that stops us from forgiving. So then it's a matter of working in ourselves to know I am safe, I am good, I can forgive this and find peace with it. So it is walking through that process. But the first piece would be you know, I want to forgive this. And then it is, you know, really kind of diving into what that was and working on how to forgiving it.
Speaker 1:That doing working with a counselor or somebody. It's really, especially when it comes to the forgiveness part, working with a coach, a counselor, somebody who can help you process through um, they, there are books and stuff out there for forgiveness. There are a lot of good ones out there too. So it's again finding what works for you to be able to start that. But then, if you do have some of those areas that are just really deep and really hard, then finding somebody, um, one of my clients um, she and I have known each other for years.
Speaker 1:I we met when she said I Googled you and I found you and and I want you to be my coach. So, and that was several years ago and now she's one of my closest friends Um, but through our relationship she, I have helped coach with her and then she's gone to talk therapy for different things and then she's um done other things to kind of help her through, whether it it's going to her pastor and you know now she's seeing a trauma therapist to work on those deep wounds that she knows she needs to release. So there are so many resources out there, don't? I don't want anybody to ever think, oh, I've only got to get one, or hey, she's a coach, so she obviously just wants me to go.
Speaker 1:With coaching, you have to find what works for you, and everybody is different. Again, we're all unique and beautiful in our own way and we find our ways to process through. So, with the forgiveness you start out, with that willingness to be able to forgive it.
Speaker 2:I like that, and the one thing I also took away from that is that forgiveness is a journey. Oh gosh, yes, yes, because I always thought that you forgive and forget, because there's a, there's a saying like that forgive and forget.
Speaker 1:But no, no, it's still part of your life. It's a part of who you are, everything that has happened. It's not about forgetting. It's about finding peace, finding peace, yes, so it's about finding peace. Finding peace, yes, so it's being able to forgive and find peace. To where? If you, if it is in regards to a person, you know, if you were to think about that, it doesn't bring up those same emotions.
Speaker 2:You know, if you haven't forgiven something, if you start to think of it, it brings up those emotions and you get riled up just thinking about it yeah, yeah so finding peace to where you know, if it comes up that you have peace with it, and so if it's with a person, does that also including being able to still speak with them, or do you like?
Speaker 1:do you? Each of us have to find our boundaries.
Speaker 1:Okay, I worked and volunteered at a women's shelter, a domestic violence shelter, for a few years and sometimes it's not safe for you to approach if somebody hurt you, right, you know there are things that have happened to people that it's it's not good for you to be face to face with them. And just by forgiving somebody, it doesn't mean that you have to speak to them again, okay. It doesn't mean that you have to seek them out, you know, to say, hey, I've forgiven you Because forgiveness is within your heart and finding your peace and it is processing through what is best for you. Sometimes it's not safe for you to reach out to somebody that you've forgiven or to come face to face, so it depends on your journey and what that looks like. One of the beautiful stories and Corrie Ten Boone.
Speaker 1:She wrote a book called the Hiding Place and she was a survivor of concentration camps in Germany and you know God delivered her from that concentration camp. She lost so many in her family. It was just an unbelievable experience from everything that she has written. But she said one of the biggest things on forgiveness is when she was speaking and one of the guards that she recognized from the concentration camp that was one of the meanest guards in that camp came up to her and said I've given my life to Jesus. I want your forgiveness. I prayed that God would give me the opportunity to ask forgiveness for one of the victims Wow and for her to be able to process through.
Speaker 1:She said I could not do it on my own, but only with God. I was able to forgive him. And you know there, things happen in life and there may be times that you can't do it on your own. But, leaning towards God, god can help you find that peace with anything that's happened. And, um, yeah it it. It's never an easy journey and and it is a lifelong. You know there were times that I've, you know I've I've processed, you know, the forgiveness in my heart with my um divorces. But then occasionally something will come up and it's like, ooh, okay, that's that part I I need to work on.
Speaker 2:So so there could be more. So even if you think you've done, there could be more things coming up that you know, you recognize later on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, sometimes it can be layers. Sometimes, if something triggers you, then it's really trying to explore those triggers as to, okay, what is that? Is there something I still need to release? Is there a lesson I need to learn? Is you know they're, um, you know just feelings within myself that I need to process. So it's being aware of, of you. You can't control anybody else in this world, but you can control you. So you control your mind and control how you think you can control how you act and how you process the situation. So it's finding out how to you know, manage and control what's happening within you.
Speaker 2:Okay. So I want to tie this up together with, then, building that self-love. You know, and I feel like it's making sense in my mind now, as I'm, you know, as during the course of our conversation, like letting go setting boundaries, writing down those things, appreciating yourself and seeing the good. You know, I'm seeing how that all comes together to help you build that self-confidence and love yourself. Yes, which is the important thing for you to grow, yes, hmm, yes, and that's what you help your clients to do, because then, with them, if we want to grow and build that self-confidence and love ourselves so that we can be more, if we haven't dealt with a lot of all the states that we've talked about, the unforgiveness, seeing the positive, changing our mindset, it's impossible for us to move forward.
Speaker 1:Right, and you might be be moving forward, but it's whether or not you you, you truly feel the peace about it and you know can, can really find a balance in your life, to where you know whether it's um, you're an entrepreneur and you know, okay, you're, you're focusing 80 hours a week on this. Um, you're moving it forward, you're, you're, you're making it happen, but where's the balance?
Speaker 2:Where's the?
Speaker 1:peace? Where's the but? Where's the balance? Where's the peace? Where's the? Where's the flow of things? And if you get to the point, um, to where you're really in tune with with who you are, it you know some people, they, they are very driven and and that's kind of you know how they feed on. But why? Why is that, you know? Why do you feel that you have to push that hard and to be able to accomplish something? You know? Is there something else that's that's driving you? Is it a limiting belief from your past or something that you know? Hey, my, this is why my parents did so. This is what I did. Well, those would be the limiting beliefs. So it's just a journey of getting to know who you are truly at the core, and understanding all of your you know quirks and actions and all that, and really just kind of unraveling everything. It's all different layers, right, and understanding that it's a process.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and as you were talking too, I think, about the freedom that comes from doing all that work. Yes, because, yes, you might be, you know, chugging along and doing all the things you know, business, and just going forward, but there's no true freedom, like the underlining factor. There's still something there that is holding you back. And even if you felt like, if you feel like, oh, you're, you're achieving a lot, but maybe there's a lot more, yeah, you could achieve.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wow, that's so it's. It's a journey and you know, we are put on this earth for us to live in community and have the good, healthy relationships, and that helps us to grow in all areas of our life. And if you do not the quote that I had mentioned if you do not love and appreciate yourself, you attract others who do not love and appreciate you. So if you get to the point in your life that you love and appreciate this person inside of you, it's going to change all your relationships for the better, and it's your relationships not only with people but, you know, with your work with your you know, family, community with you know, whatever it is, that that's parts and pieces of your life.
Speaker 1:it will change and improve all areas of your life and it starts with that relationship with you.
Speaker 2:I love that, okay. So how can we get a hint on all this resources that you have? Because I feel like there's a lot of work we got to do I mean some more than others too, but I can totally see how I need to at least do some work in like thinking through what are some of those things that are stopping me. You know, and sometimes I think you know, it's not as apparent like easily to see, easy to see, like you have to do some of the work to dig deep, you know. So where can we get our hands on these resources?
Speaker 1:Well, my website is always a good place to start. It is healfirstcoachingcom, and that has the books and two journals that I have published and you're able to reach out to me there. And then the online community that was just launched was healfirsthavencom Love that Wow.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for sharing with us today. I just feel like a lot is unlocked for me personally and I'm sure, for our audience too. So thank you.
Speaker 1:You're welcome. I'm so happy to be able to, to share and, like I said, I I found this gift and I want to share with as many as I can because it, uh, it truly does improve your life so much. Still a journey, but, um, you know, once you're on that path, it's, it's just exciting. So, many beautiful things happen from it, that's great.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can feel it already. So please make sure you go get your hands on those resources, because maybe there's something stopping you and you really need to heal first, so that way you can do more Until next time. Keep healing, feeling.
